Power Exchange

The Adventures of Captain Power Balance

(Pointing out power imbalances – and saving weak and infe…errr, the disadvantaged and marginalized – since 2012).

Meet Andrew, a 25-year-old bus driver from Buffalo, New York. He is in an elevator when he spots a pretty girl. He asks for her number.

This looks like a job for…Captain Power Balance.

Captain Power Balance (after teleporting into the elevator): Now hold it right there, my dude. This is very problematic in a number of ways. First of all, this girl’s only 17 years old. Sure, it’s legal in the state of New York, but that doesn’t change the fact that Tiffany here is still a child, and she’s not capable of making rational choices about sex. At least not when it’s with an adult, because the adult has a brain that has finished developing and can manipulate (or “groom”) her while she’s mentally still a child. Also, you are a man, which means you can easily overpower her, and since you’re in an enclosed space in this elevator, she may feel afraid of what might happen if she rejects you. Not cool.

Andrew: W-w-w-w-w…what do y-y-y-you m-m-m-m-mean sh-sh-shs-she’s S-s-s-seventeeen?

Captain Power Balance: Oh, I’m sorry, do you have a speech impediment?

Andrew: I have c-c-c-c-cerebral palsy. I’m a-a-a-a-l-s-s-s-so mentally r-r-r-retarded.

Captain Power Balance: I sympathize with you being differently abled, however, that is still no excuse to approach a minor for a possible sexual encounter when the power imbalance prevents her from being able to consent.

Tiffany: Excuse me, but how is this any of your business? First of all, I actually turn 18 in a week. Also, you just assumed my gender, you hypocrite.

Captain Power Balance: Oh, I am deeply sorry for making such an assumption! May I ask what your gender identity is?

Tiffany: You may ask, but I don’t have to answer. Also, there is no such thing as “gender identity” for anyone who isn’t mentally ill. Your sex is a matter of chromosomes.

Captain Power Balance: Yikes! The cringe! Do you even high school bio?

Tiffany: Actually, I got an A in biology. I am graduating with a 4.0 and will attend Harvard in the fall. Also, “cringe” is a verb, not a noun. Anyway, Andrew, my number is —

Captain Power Balance: Woah, woah, woah. Do you have any idea how problematic this is?

Tiffany: I already told you: I can take care of myself.

Captain Power Balance: No, I’m worried about Andrew here. There is a huge power imbalance because he is mentally still a child and is differently abled, while you have no physical challenges and are unusually intelligent for such a young age. I’m afraid if you went on a date with Andrew, it would be grooming. Here, let me get out the Power Balance-O-Meter and show you.

*Power Balance-O-Meter shows Tiffany has 59.77 more power units than Andrew*.

Captain Power Balance: I trust you will do the rational, moral thing. My job is done here.

——–

Meet Jeff, a 27-year-old black man from Dallas, Texas. Jeff is on a date at a restaurant with Sarah, a 35-year-old white woman.

Waiter: Will you be joining them tonight? Would you like something to drink?

Captain Power Balance: Thanks for the offer, kind stranger, but no, thank you. I won’t be long.

Jeff: Da fuq? Who the fuq is u?

Captain Power Balance: I’m here to save you from a terrible mistake, fam. This privileged white woman is grooming you. You, being an African American – a descendent of brutalized slaves – have…simply put, no power whatsoever. As you’re probably aware of, blacks can not be racist, because racism is prejudice plus power, and blacks lack the power to be racist. Whites, on the other hand, have all the power. Your date, if you haven’t noticed, is white.

Jeff (chuckling): So she a dangerous girl? She probly gon’ beat my ass. Better help me, dawg.

Sarah: Sir, who the fuck do you think you are? Maybe I have more financial power than him, and maybe he’s more likely to face discrimination in certain instances, but I think it balances out when you consider he’s 6’3″ 250 pounds of muscle, and I’m 5’0″ 108 pounds.

Captain Power Balance: Ah, but that’s where you’re wrong. With the precise Power-Balance-O-Meter 8t5, we can measure ppl’s power levels down to the hundredth of a percent of a power unit. You, Sarah, have 25.89 more power units than Jeff. This is a highly toxic relationship. If you are not a narcissist, you will do the moral, rational thing and go for someone who is your power equal. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have somewhere I need to be.

It’s Captain Power Balance and his wife’s anniversary, and Captain Power Balance is planning on taking her out to celebrate. However, when he walks into his bedroom, he is horrified by what he sees.

Captain Power Balance: How could you do this?! I told you we’d discuss opening up our marriage, but I didn’t think you’d just start without our mutual consent! And on our anniversary!

Kayla: Sweetie, did you ever check our Power Balance numbers?

*Captain Power Balance’s jaw drops.*

*He is stunned that he never thought of this.*

Captain Power Balance: Oh, shit.

Kayla: That’s right. You, being a superhero, have 984398948398349843894398439834 more power units than me. How dare you tell me who I can have in the bedroom after you literally groomed me all these years?

*Captain Power Balance leaves the room and chops off his dick*.

Captain Power Balance: And remember, kids: With great power comes great responsibility!