High-Level Ideas

Dave Rubin is interviewing Jared Taylor, the founder of American Renaissance, on The Rubin Report.

Dave Rubin: So, Jared, tell the viewers about your latest theory.

Jared Taylor: Certainly. I think the mind is an invisible ghost.

Just as Physical Jared announces his theory, Ghost Jared leaves his body and sits down next to him, in a ghostly chair that looks like Physical Jared’s physical chair. Ghost Jared is wearing special Bright Vision goggles.

Physical Dave: A ghost? Like those things in movies that go through walls?

Physical Jared: Correct.

Physical Dave: Care to…care to say more on that?

Physical Jared: Certainly. I believe that our psychological ghost grows in proportion to our physical body. Huwhen we’re babies huwith tiny physical bodies, we have tiny psychological bodies. Huwhen we have adolescent physical bodies, we have adolescent psychological bodies. And huwhen we have adult physical bodies, we have adult psychological bodies.

On the other side of the room, Ghost Dave, who looks like a teenager, leaves Physical Dave’s body, summons his own ghostly chair and sits down next to Physical Dave. Ghost Dave is wearing Stevie Wonder sunglasses.

Physical Dave: That’s…a high-level idea. What made you think of this stuff?

Physical Jared: Well, I was thinking about huwhat it is our minds do and I concluded that they must have sensory organs.

Physical Dave: Explain to the viewers what you mean by “censor re-organs.”

Ghost Dave: WHAT THE FUCK IS A CENSOR RE-ORGAN?!?!?!!?

Physical Jared: Certainly. I think our minds have all the sensory organs that our physical bodies have: a pair of eyes, ears and hands and a nose and tongue.

Physical Dave: So, if your ghost has eyes, that must mean it can…see stuff, right?

Physical Jared: Correct. I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, “the mind’s eye,” before.

Physical Dave: Yeah. I think I heard that in Star Wars. What can the mind’s eye see?

Physical Jared: Non-physical things. Smart people’s ghosts can see a lot of non-physical things in clear detail, huwhile idiots’ ghosts are completely blind. And since people huwith good vision find blind people annoying, smart people find stupid people painful. If you go to a party huwith a blind guy, they’ll walk into walls on the way there and you’ll be late.

Ghost Dave loses interest in the interview, wanders away and walks into a wall.

Physical Jared: If you take them to a restaurant on a date, they won’t be able to read the menu or find the bathroom or table. And that’s huwhat you have to do with stupid people: read the menu for them and help them find the bathroom or table.

Physical Dave taps the table between them.

Physical Dave: Well, I found this table! And the bathroom is backstage! So I must have good eyes!

Ghost Jared facepalms.

Physical Dave: So, what sort of non-physical things can my smart ghost see?

Physical Jared: “Smart ghosts,” as you say, are good at seeing patterns, allowing them to craft good analogies. They’re also good at seeing absurdities in the world, huwhich makes them funny.

Physical Dave: That sounds like me! I used to be a really funny comedian with great allergies!

Physical Jared: …A smart ghost can also see themselves clearly, huwhile a stupid person has no self-awareness. Smart ghosts can see others clearly, too. They know huwhen people are laughing at them, huwhereas a stupid ghost won’t notice.

A studio audience suddenly appears in front of them, consisting of the ghosts of the laughing left, whom only Ghost Jared can see. In the first row are the sneering faces of Sam Seder, Michael Brooks, Kyle Kulinski, Cenk Uygur, Ana Kasparian and Jamie Peck. In the second row are Vaush, Hasan Piker, Jon Stewart, John Oliver, Seth Meyers and Jimmy Kimmel. Michael Brooks is wearing Bright Vision goggles, while Kyle, Cenk, Vaush and Hasan are teenagers wearing Stevie Wonder sunglasses. The Rubin Report is now a sitcom.

Physical Dave: Interesting. Well, we’ve got about a minute left, so how about you give the audience a quick summary of the whole Caspar thing?

The studio audience laughs.

Sam Seder: “Caspar.” What a child.

Physical Jared: Certainly. A smart person’s psychological eyes are cameras that can “zoom out” from a situation and see the forest for the trees.

Ghost Jared presses a button on his Bright Vision goggles and a wormhole appears in the studio’s spacetime. He dives in headfirst and lands on a street corner, where a bearded, 65 year old man is begging a rich guy for change.

Poor guy: Please…could you spare any change?

Rich guy: Fuck off.

Poor guy: But…but…I’m Dave Rubin!

Canned laughter.

Rich guy: Who?

Poor guy: …The former host of The Rubin Report!

Rich guy: Never heard of it.

Canned laughter.

Poor guy: You know…the show that the left cancelled when I interviewed the white supremacist, Jared Taylor.

Ghost Jared: Huwow. Huwhat a bleak future!

Ghost Jared dives back in the wormhole and lands back in the studio.

Physical Jared: …A smart ghost’s eyes are also temporal telescopes that can look several moves ahead and see negative consequences in the future, huwhich makes smart people good at literal and figurative chess.

Out of the same wormhole emerges Ghost Jared two minutes from now, who nudges Present Ghost Jared.

Future Ghost Jared: Just a heads up: Because Rubin’s an extroverted dumbass that doesn’t know his husband hates you, he’s going to try to introduce you to him after the show. You may have to bite the bullet or he might not invite you back on.

Future Ghost Jared jumps back in the wormhole.

Physical Jared: …A smart person’s psychological ears can hear the pain or smile in a singer’s voice huwhen they sing a song. Their psychological noses can smell bullshit, sarcasm and danger from a mile away and their psychological hands can feel the love or tension in a room.

Ghost Dave: Fuck…how do I summarize all this shit?

Physical Dave: Man, you sure know how to give a closing statement! *Turns to the camera to give his final monologue* Well, that’s it for The Rubin Report tonight! I gotta say, my brain is officially in recovery mode after hearing all of those high-level ideas!

Michael Brooks literally dies laughing and becomes an actual ghost.

Physical Dave: Make sure to hit that Like button and subscribe to our YouTube channel!

On Rubin’s teleprompter, Ghost Dave can see words on the screen, while Ghost Jared can see a video of Sam Seder reporting a news story from his New York studio.

Sam Seder: In other news, far-right media “personality” Dave Rubin choked to death on a rock this morning. *Pulls out a champagne bottle from underneath the desk* Truly a…tragedy.

The teleprompter emits heavy sarcasm particles that fill Ghost Jared’s nostrils.

Rubin finishes his report and the cameras and teleprompter turn off. Physical Jared and Physical Dave stand and shake hands. Ghost Jared looks tired and Ghost Dave looks energetic.

Physical Dave: Thank you so much, Jared! I think the interview’s gonna get a lot of views on YouTube! So many great ideas!

Canned laughter.

Ghost Jared: Huwow. He can’t see how patronizing my facial expressions are.

Physical Jared: Not a problem.

Ghost Dave checks out Physical Jared’s ass, unaware of Ghost Jared’s awareness.

Ghost Dave: That’s a high-level ass.

Physical Dave sees his husband, Dave Janet, smoking weed backstage. Ghost Jared can see Ghost Husband standing there too, waving a giant red flag.

Physical Dave: Oh, look, there’s Dave! *Turns to Jared* I should introduce you to my husband, Dave!

Ghost Jared dives into the wormhole.

Physical Jared: No need. I’ve got a flight to catch.

Physical Dave: Oh, come on, Jared! If you miss your flight, I’ll buy you another plane ticket!

Ghost Jared comes back out of the wormhole hurriedly.

Ghost Jared: DO. NOT. INTRODUCE. ME. TO. HIM.

Physical Dave: C’mon! It’ll only take a minute or so! *Takes Physical Jared’s hand and leads him over to his husband*

Ghost Jared: Huwow! He can’t read cues! Maybe Charles Murray was wrong about Jews and huwhites!

Physical Dave: Hi Dave! *He leans in to kiss Physical Husband, who pushes him away*

The studio audience howls with laughter.

Physical Dave: …What’s wrong, Dave?

Physical Husband: Nothin’ *Takes another puff of his joint*

Physical Dave: Hey, Dave…c’mon, honey. You’re gunna set the smoke alarm off.

Ghost Husband pukes on the floor.

Physical Husband: Whatever.

Physical Dave: Well…er…Jared, this is my husband, Dave. Dave, this is Jared.

Physical Jared smiles and extends his hand, which Physical Husband refuses to shake.

Ghost Husband: Fuck off, Nazi scum.

Ghost Jared: Huwow! He can’t sense that I sense his aggression!

Physical Dave: Me and Dave are going on a date tonight. I’ve booked a reservation at my favorite restaurant.

Physical Husband: Yeah…that’ll be fun. *Rolls his eyes*

Ghost Husband (yelling in Ghost Dave’s ear): SARCASM!!!!!!!!!

Ghost Dave: HUH!?!?!?! I LIKE STAR WARS!

Physical Dave: I know, right?!

Canned laughter.

Physical Jared (looking at husband): So, huwhat do you do, sir?

Physical Dave: Well, er, I guess Dave’s job is to watch the show and tell me his opinion on it.

The stench of fish fills Ghost Jared’s nose.

Physical Dave: What did you think of the show tonight, Dave? Did you like all the ideas?

Physical Husband: Eh. Trash.

Physical Dave frowns.

Canned laughter.

Physical Husband: What are the Patreon numbers like?

Physical Dave: We’re getting over $12,000 a month.

Ghost Husband snatches Ghost Dave’s wallet from his pocket and counts his money.

Physical Husband: Well, that’s good, I guess.

Ghost Jared scans the room for love particles but sees only resentment and tension molecules.

Physical Dave: Yeah! Well, we should get going, since —

Dave Janet’s phone goes off and he answers it.

Physical Husband: Hello? *His eyes light up* Oh, hey there, handsome! Haven’t spoken to you in a while! What’s up?

Physical Dave stands there with Physical Jared awkwardly, waiting for his husband to hang up the phone. Some of the SJWs in the studio audience literally die laughing.

Kyle Kulinski: Oh god. This is the Larry King thing all over again. Hahahaha.

Physical Husband: Oh, you wanna…? Sure. Sounds hot. Yeah, sure. I’ll book a hotel room. *Pause* No, of course he won’t find out. *Pause* Okay, see you soon! *Hangs up*

Physical Dave: Who was that?

Physical Husband: Shhh.

The studio audience cackles at the irreverent disrespect. Physical Husband dials a number on his phone and waits.

Physical Husband (on phone): Hey, I’d like to book a hotel room for two people tonight. *Pauses* Dave Janet. *Pauses* Yes, I have. *Pauses* I’d like a double bed. *Pauses* Just for the night. *Pauses and turns to Physical Dave* Give me your credit card.

Physical Dave pulls his credit card out and hands it to his husband, who reads out the card details to the receptionist on the phone.

Physical Husband (still on phone): …Yep. And check-out is when? *Pause* Okay. Bye. *Hangs up the phone*

Physical Husband: I might have to take a rain check on that date tonight. I’m going to meet a friend at a hotel. We’re going to talk about business stuff. Oh, and I might keep this. *Pockets the credit card*

Physical Dave: …Oh. *Looks deflated* M’kay. Maybe another time, then.

Canned laughter.

Physical Husband flicks his ash all over the studio’s carpet and puts his joint out in the wall, burning a hole in it. He heads for the exit —

Physical Jared: Not so fast there, sir!

Physical Husband stops in his tracks and turns around swiftly.

Physical Husband: Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to?

Physical Jared: I am talking to a pot-smoking liar, cheater, gold digging parasite and asshole. Sir.

The laughter of the studio audience dies down.

Physical Husband: …You – you white supremacist piece of shit!

Ghost Husband: …You – you white supremacist piece of shit!

Physical Jared: Well, at least you’re finally being honest.

Physical Dave: Come on, Jared. Don’t talk to my husband like that!

Physical Jared: Your husband isn’t going to a hotel to talk about “business stuff,” David. He’s going to cheat on you huwith another man. He thinks he can get away huwith it because you’re too stupid to notice, but he was too stupid to notice that I notice.

Ghost Jared waves at Ghost Husband, who notices him for the first time.

Confused and hurt, Physical Dave looks at his husband for an explanation.

Physical Husband: He’s lying, dude. Don’t believe him.

Physical Jared: David, your husband doesn’t love you. He thinks you’re inferior, huwhich is huwhy he won’t even use your name or touch you. And now he’s trying to manipulate you into hating me.

Physical Husband’s phone rings again.

Physical Jared: …And that will be the man he’s having sex huwith tonight.

Ring, ring.

Physical Dave: Dave? Is – is Jared right? Is that your secret lover calling?

Physical Husband: Of course it isn’t.

Ghost Jared gets a strong whiff of bullshit.

Physical Dave: Can I answer the phone, then?

Physical Husband: No!

Physical Dave: But I’m your husband, Dave. Don’t you trust me?

Physical Husband: Look. Just…just…look…just fuck off, okay? Fuck. Off. FUCK OFF. We’re done.

Ghost Husband puts his joint out in Ghost Dave’s heart, burning a hole in it. Ghost Dave lifts his Stevie Wonder sunglasses ever so slightly, revealing tears underneath.

Physical Dave: …J-Jared’s right, isn’t he? Y-you…you don’t…you don’t even love me. I can’t believe it. Did you…did you ever love me?

Physical Husband: Of course I didn’t, you fucking retard. You and your “battle of ideas” are an embarrassment. And so are the white supremacists you have on your cringey show.

Physical Dave bawls like a baby, while Ghost Dave’s burning heart pumps blood out of his huwhite body. The smart sharks in the studio audience smell the blood particles permeating the studio and laugh again.

Physical Jared smiles condescendingly at Physical Husband.

Physical Jared: Mr. Janet, your husband David is indeed a bit stupid. That’s huwhy he married you. But the extraordinary intelligence of guys like me makes guys like you, Cenk Uygur, Kyle Kulinski and Vaush feel insecure about their ordinary IQs. So, to feel more secure about your intelligence, you “dunk” on dumb and dopey David Rubin here.

Kyle Kulinski laughs derisively.

Physical Jared: The thing is, though, if you had 10 more IQ points, you’d be self-aware enough to see how weak, pathetic and insecure you look huwhen you pick on the disabled. You’re all too dumb to see that no one smarter than you is impressed that you’re smarter than a dumb guy. Huwhy don’t you pick on somebody your own ghost’s size, you ableist prick?

Cut to the blind and deaf ghosts of Vaush and Kyle Kulinski, who can barely even see or hear the sitcom they’re laughing at.

Physical Jared: Kyle Kulinski might even be dumber than David, to be honest. And really, I still appreciate Rubin. A lot of people say negative things about his motives, blah blah blah…but for fuck’s sake, this is the guy who really does do journalism correctly. He has guests on, asks them questions, lets them answer, and never edits anything. We see everything in its full context. David Rubin is a lot braver than you assholes, that’s for sure.

Physical Husband laughs derisively.

Physical Husband: Yikes. Are you autistic, my dude? Serious question.

Physical Jared: That’s all you and the entire online left can do: laugh and condescend. There are no other weapons in your arsenal.

More canned laughter from the SJW studio audience.

Physical Jared: Huwhen you’re in a heated conflict and the fight-or-flight response doesn’t feel so good, you hide your embarrassing fear and discomfort behind the mask of derisive laughter, which is a nervous defence mechanism. Online, this becomes the crying face emoji. Offline, this becomes Hillary Clinton in her debates with Trump.

Ghost Husband: This conflict is so scary! I hate fighting! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! I want my mommy! 😨

Physical Husband laughs nervously 😂

Physical Jared: You wear this mask in the hopes that the people you’re arguing huwith are thrown off their game by the sight of you being unfazed by the hostile conditions of huwar. It’s a “psych out” strategy straight from the movie Baseketball. Forced laughter is the only way you know how to make your opponent look weak, since you can’t dominate them with logic and reason. “I heard your best argument’s going out huwith SQUEAK! 😂 ”

It begins to dawn on Ghost Husband just how tall Ghost Jared’s huwhite body is. He trembles.

Physical Husband: Wow. Just…wow 😂 That was the most…autistic screeching…I’ve ever…heard 😂 You do realize how…cringe you are…right? 😂 I can’t even…I mean…really?  😂 Really?! 😂 Yikes 😂

Physical Husband takes off his wedding ring, pulls Dave Rubin’s credit card out of his pocket, throws them both in the trash and storms out. The studio audience disappears in a ball of smoke.

When all the smoke has cleared and the sitcom is over, Physical Dave cries on Physical Jared’s shoulder. (Ghost Dave sneaks up behind Physical Jared and checks out his ass again.)

Physical Dave: I was really looking forward to that date tonight, Jared. I thought he was the one. We had so many similar ideas.

As Dave Rubin continues to cry pathetically on Jared Taylor’s shoulder, a disgusted but sympathetic Ghost Jared gazes at a chessboard floating in mid-air behind Rubin’s head.

Physical Jared: …You know what, David? Fuck it. I’ll go to the restaurant huwith you.

Physical Dave: Really?! You’ll go on a date with me?!

Physical Jared: No, not on a date, David. I’m not gay. And if you hit on me or look at my ass again, I’ll leave and I won’t come back on the show. But…you booked a reservation for two. And I’m grateful for the exposure you give me. So…I’ll come.

Physical Dave: YAYYYYYYYYYYY! Thank you, Jared! *Hugs him* Well, we better hurry, since we’re booked in for eight o’clock!

Physical Dave takes Physical Jared’s hand and leads him to a long corridor backstage, which leads to the parking lot outside. They start walking down the long corridor…

Physical Dave: Jared…when you said I was stupid, did you mean it?

Ghost Dave walks into the corridor wall.

Physical Jared: Yes, David.

Ghost Jared sets Ghost Dave on the right path again.

Physical Dave: Well, that hurt my feelings. But at least you’re honest!

Ghost Dave turns around and walks the wrong way.

Physical Jared: Agreed.

Ghost Jared turns him around to face the right way again.

Physical Dave: Hey Jared…I didn’t get all that ghost stuff.

Ghost Dave: WHERE ARE YOU, JARED?!?!?!

Physical Jared: I know you didn’t.

Ghost Jared: I’m here, David.

Physical Dave: I was only pretending to understand all those high-level ideas. Because the cameras were on.

Ghost Dave: I CAN’T HEAR YOU, JARED!!!!!

Physical Jared: I know you were.

Ghost Jared: I know you can’t.

As they walk further and further down the corridor and Rubin continues to torture Taylor with every inane thought that occurs to him, Taylor thinks of an old poem he once read, to entertain himself:

How painful and annoying are the stupid and the weak?
They have to prove they’re neither, so you have to hear them speak
If only they could see the fucking doofus you can see
Then they wouldn’t be as clueless as they sadly have to be

They’re in the parking lot now. Dave Rubin tries to open his producer’s car and triggers the alarm.

Why must you hear them cry when they cannot see you sigh?
Why must you hear them whinge when they cannot see you cringe?
Why must you hear them moan when they cannot see you groan?
Why must you see their flaws when they’re unaware of yours?

They’re in the car now, with their ghosts in the backseat. Rubin forgets to turn the headlights on and nearly drives into his own studio.

Sometimes you lack the patience that you need to be polite
So you call the wuss a puss and they cry and prove you right
The weak resent the strong when the strong present the truth
And the fact they feel attacked is just another shred of proof

They’re driving on the road now. A great song on the radio reaches out and touches Ghost Jared but Ghost Dave feels nothing. Physical Dave gets distracted and nearly kills an old lady.

It doesn’t feel so good to make a person feel so bad
Ain’t it crappy how the truth can make a happy person sad?
But lying and denying only amplifies the crying
So the hateful and the mad become the grateful and the glad