Peace-meal

As Haibatullah Akhundzada, supreme ruler of the Taliban, stood at the United States/Mexico border, Roberta Smith-Davis adjusted zer mask. Ze did not want to risk contracting the Gamma Phi Omega Theta Epsilon Psi variant, which was said to be 980% more transmissible than all previous variants. It was also more dangerous in squirrels and earthworms than previous variants, and neither species was eligible to receive a 75th booster of the vaccine. Smith-Davis could not risk transmitting this virus to innocent squirrels or earthworms. That would not be justifiable. Hence, ze wore a mask everywhere ze went.

On the other hand, ze realized it would be Islamophobic to deny Akhundzada entry to the United States. As John Lennon once said, “Imagine being Islamophobic in 2022. bUt MuH nAtIoNaL sEcUrItY.”

“Please wear a mask, sir,” pleaded Smith-Davis, who felt sure ze would pass out from Akhundzada’s anti-masker and anti-vaxxer views and overall toxicity.

“Death to America!” replied Akhundzada.

Smith-Davis did the only thing it could do.

It welcomed Akhundzada to America, acknowledging that it would be Islamophobic to impose Western values on a member of a marginalized group. Imagine thinking morality isn’t relative in 2022.

After all, it wasn’t Akhundzada’s fault the pandemic was ongoing. This was all avoidable.

That’s what bothered Smith-Davis the most: All of this could have been avoided.

All the world had to do was institute martial law in every country, barricade everyone in their homes, round up the homeless and put them in camps, print new currency, forgive all debt, automate all jobs, force vaccinate all people, animals, plants, and inanimate objects, and most importantly…wear masks.

But noooo. These selfish assholes couldn’t even do these little things to save lives.

“Selfish assholes” meaning rednecks, of course.

Dumb, conservative rednecks. What do they contribute to society, anyway? All these worthless people in Southern ‘Murica growing food, building houses and all of the furniture in them, paving roads, and doing all of this other pointless shit we don’t need…

Why should they have any say in how the country is run?

It’s enlightened Democrats like Smith-Davis and its friends who matter in 2022. Friends like Jerrica Rogers-Jackson, the brilliant innovator responsible for the groundbreaking new smartphone app, “Phaggot” (Don’t worry, since Rogers-Jackson identifies as genderfluid and pansexual, the name of the app is not problematic).

These are the people who should be running the country.

As Akhundzada and the rest of the Taliban began their march toward Washington, D.C., Smith-Davis felt a sense of satisfaction. Finally, ze thought, the straight white male would be forced to accept diversity.

When the Taliban arrived at the White House, President Biden opted to wear an additional mask before greeting them.

“Hello, Mr. Akhundzada,” President Biden muttered into his 11 masks, “How may I be of service to you?”

“Death to America,” replied Akhundzada.

President Biden thought it would be wise to attempt a negotiation. He just wanted peace, after all.

“How about a compromise?”

Akhundzada, being a man of reason, accepted President Biden’s proposal.

Akhundzada’s demands were easy for President Biden to accept because they were not outrageous. His only real demand was that every American woman cover up her legs whenever she left home. And…that’s it.

While this upset many American women as it felt like a restriction on their freedoms, President Biden reminded everyone that it was “only some additional cloth.”

It seemed like such a small sacrifice to make for peace.

And so American women, and all those who identified as American women, made this sacrifice.

Because they weren’t selfish assholes.

And after this was adopted across America? What did Akhundzada do then?

He celebrated.

“Mission accomplished,” said Akhundzada.

America was now officially dead.