To Catch A Zoomer

Hansen (narration): Last week, on To Catch a Predator…we were on the beautiful island of St. James, where boomer after boomer came looking for an express pass to lolitas. Instead, they received an express pass to JAIL.

(Close on Bill Clinton).

Clinton: Ah did not. Have. Sexual. Conversations with those women.

Hansen (narration): This week, we are still on St. James, but with a different target generation in mind. This time, it’s Generation Z men we are looking for. Will these zoomer predators differ from boomers in their approach to obtaining sex with underaged girls?

(Cut to decoy).

Our decoy this week is again, Stacy; a hot, sexy, legal aged woman. Our neckbeards tell men on Tinder that she is underaged, and we see if a number on a screen is enough to thwart their sexual impulses.

Our first visitor is a zoomer who goes by AspieGuy69.

(Close on Smartphone)

AspieGuy69: do u like le sex?

Stacy: of course! what did you have in mind?

AspieGuy69: do u dom, tho?

Stacy: …um…i guess?

AspieGuy69: i want you to peg me with a strap-on and call me “little bitch boy.”

Stacy: …uh, ok, i guess i’ll do that. what time are u coming over?

(Cut to Hansen in front of monitors)

Hansen: Now herrrre’s a guy…who thought he would come downnnnnn…and have a teenage girlllll…perform anal sexxxxx…on him.

Hansen (narration): As AspieGuy69 arrives, our camera crew awaits.

Stacy: Hi, come on in! Help yourself to some Starbucks, I’ll be right back.

Hansen (walking in): How about you help yourself to a conversion with me?

AspieGuy69: Yiketh! Well, thith ith cringe.

Hansen: What are you doing herrrrre?

AspieGuy69: She told me she was 25, dude.

Hansen: She told you she was 25?

AspieGuy69: Yeth. I know the law, my dude. She has to be at least 25 to legally consent.

Hansen: So you think the legal age of consent is 25?

AspieGuy69: Yeth. The brain doethn’t finith developing until age 25. Anything before that and it’th grooming and you’re a tockthick garbage human.

Hansen: Well, I have your chat logs. She tells you she’s 14.

AspieGuy69: That’th wild. Who are you?

Hansen: We’ll get to that in a minute. Tell me why a man like you thought it was OK to come down here to have sex with a 14-year-old girl.

AspieGuy69: I actually identify ath nonbinary…thooooo…you might not want to mithgender thomeone if you want to be a good perthon.

Hansen: Regardless of your gender identity, it’s still a fact that you’re 25 and the girl told you she’s only 14.

AspieGuy69: I actually wath thinking in termth of anime. You know how thometimeth anime characterth look 14 but they’re actually thousandth of yearth old? I thought we were jutht role playing and she wath juth talking about being an anime character who wath lying about her age.

Hansen (narration): Eventually, I tell AspieGuy69 who I am.

Hansen: So there’s something you need to know. I’m Chris Hansen, and we’re doing a story on men who go on Tinderrrr and ask underaged girlssss for sexxxxxxxxxxxx. If there’s anything else you’d like to say, now would be the time. Otherwise, you’re free to leave.

Hansen (narration): AspieGuy69 leaves the beach house, where the local police are there to detain him.

AspieGuy69: Am I going to a women’th prithon? I don’t identify ath a man.

Hansen (narration): Our next visitor is a man who goes by AutisticDude00. His conversations with Stacy take a graphic turn.

(Close on Smartphone)

Stacy: what are ur interests?

AusticDude00: tbh i just want a gf.

Stacy: could i be ur gf? 🙂

AutisticDude00: u can be my girlfriendo if u do le sex the way i want

Stacy: what are u into?

AutisticDude00: u ever do cock and ball torture? could you tie up my balls and whip them with a spatula?

Stacy: ummm…..sure, i guess?

AutisticDude00: oh, and can i bring chad with me? i want chad to have sex with you while you whip my balls.

Hansen (narration): Once again, our camera crew moves into position as AutisticDude and Chad arrive at the house, where our decoy greets them.

Stacy: Hey! I’ll be back in just a minute, I have to go put my laundry detergent away.

AutisticDude00: OK.

Chad: I get a bad feeling about this, bro.

Hansen (walking in): Why don’t you have a seat?

AutisticDude00: This is cringe, bro. Are you in the CIA?

Hansen: You think I’m in the CIAAAaaaa?

AutisticDude00: What government organization are you part of?

Hansen: We’ll get to that in a minute. I have your chat logs that I’d like to go over with you.

Hansen (narration): As I read the man’s chat logs, he gets increasingly agitated.

AutisticDude00: Are you here to force vaccinate me? I’m not getting the experimental gene therapy, dude.

Hansen: You do realize your conversation with Stacy is illegal, right?

AutisticDude00: I know it’s degenerate, but that’s what I’m into. I think it’s just evolutionary psychology to ensure that weak genes like mine aren’t passed on to future generations. This is so that humans evolve through women only selecting the alpha Chads to reproduce.

Hansen: Have you tried going outside and meeting women your own age?

AutisticDude00: The outdoors is a psyop created by the Jews.

Hansen (narration): Eventually, I grow tired of AutisticDude00’s bizarre comments, and I let him know who I am. He is handcuffed and taken to the local police department and booked.

Hansen (narration): Our next zoomer is a man who goes by MinecraftPlayer04. He has a strange conversation with our decoy.

MinecraftPlayer04: can i come over?

Stacy: sure! what do you want to do?

MinecraftPlayer04: le sex.

Stacy: anything in particular tho? 🙂

MinecraftPlayer04: i want to play on nintendo switch while you have le sex with chad.

Stacy: uhhh…is that even illegal?

MinecraftPlayer04: idk. hopefully not. just don’t tell anyone.

Hansen (narration): MinecraftPlayer04 and Chad arrive at the house, where they are greeted by Stacy.

Stacy: Hi MinecraftPlayer04! Hi Chad! Why don’t you guys help yourselves to some coffee in the kitchen?

Chad: I don’t know if I feel comfortable with this, bro. Stacy, are you sure you consent to this?

Stacy: Oh, I definitely consent! Come on in!

Chad: I just want to keep making sure that your consent is enthusiastic and ongoing.

Hansen: How about you consent to a conversation with me?

Hansen (narration): As I talked to MinecraftPlayer04, I became more concerned than I have ever been.

Hansen: I’m reading from your chat logs…”Do you do anal or oral with Chad?” “Do you like cucking subhuman, genetic trash?”

MinecraftPlayer04: Yeah, you shouldn’t kinkshame, bro.

Hansen: What were your intentions here tonight?

MinecraftPlayer04: Just to get cucked by Chad because I’m a subhuman and Stacy is superior to me.

Hansen: And what would your role be in this?

MinecraftPlayer04: Just playing Nintendo Switch while I watch and masturbate to my feelings of inferiority and submission to genetically superior Chads and Stacies.

Hansen: Oh, come on. What is wrong with you kids? The man is supposed to be dominant. Don’t you want to throw her down and have sex with her? Come on. Here, I’ll kick out the camera crew and you can have sex with her.

MinecraftPlayer04: This is so cringy. You’re sus.

Hansen: Here, Stacy, turn around.

*Stacy turns around*

Hansen: You see that? Look at that ass. This girl has a nice, tight ass, dude. Don’t you want to smack it?

MinecraftPlayer04: Toxic masculinity is cringe. I admit she has cakes, tho.

Hansen: You should want to smack her ass and plow her from behind.

MinecraftPlayer04: Not really, tbh. Having sex is mid. I’d let her pee on me, tho.

Hansen: Well, if you’re not going to bang her, I will.

Hansen (narration): After I get done having sex with Stacy, and MinecraftPlayer04 gets done playing Minecraft while he watches, he leaves the house. The police aren’t sure any crime was committed, so they let him return to his basement.

Hansen (narration): Our next zoomer goes by the name HighIQGamer.

(Close on Smartphone)

HighIQGamer: u play videogames?

Stacy: yeah, i love video games! i especially love having sex after playing video games! u wanna come over and do both? 🙂

HighIQGamer: lol imagine writing all that and thinking i’d read it. lol. touch grass.

(Cut to Catfishing neckbeard)

Catfishing neckbeard: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (throws phone at the wall)