To Catch A Zoomer

Hansen (narration): Last week, on To Catch a Predator…we were on the beautiful island of St. James, where boomer after boomer came looking for an express pass to lolitas. Instead, they received an express pass to JAIL.

(Close on Bill Clinton).

Clinton: Ah did not. Have. Sexual. Conversations with those women.

Hansen (narration): This week, we are still on St. James, but with a different target generation in mind. This time, it’s Generation Z men we are looking for. Will these zoomer predators differ from boomers in their approach to obtaining sex with underaged girls?

(Cut to decoy).

Our decoy this week is again, Stacy; a hot, sexy, legal aged woman. Our neckbeards tell men on Tinder that she is underaged, and we see if a number on a screen is enough to thwart their sexual impulses.

Our first visitor is a zoomer who goes by AspieGuy69.

(Close on Smartphone)

AspieGuy69: do u like le sex?

Stacy: of course! what did you have in mind?

AspieGuy69: do u dom, tho?

Stacy: …um…i guess?

AspieGuy69: i want you to peg me with a strap-on and call me “little bitch boy.”

Stacy: …uh, ok, i guess i’ll do that. what time are u coming over?

(Cut to Hansen in front of monitors)

Hansen: Now herrrre’s a guy…who thought he would come downnnnnn…and have a teenage girlllll…perform anal sexxxxx…on him.

Hansen (narration): As AspieGuy69 arrives, our camera crew awaits.

Stacy: Hi, come on in! Help yourself to some Starbucks, I’ll be right back.

Hansen (walking in): How about you help yourself to a conversion with me?

AspieGuy69: Yiketh! Well, thith ith cringe.

Hansen: What are you doing herrrrre?

AspieGuy69: She told me she was 25, dude.

Hansen: She told you she was 25?

AspieGuy69: Yeth. I know the law, my dude. She has to be at least 25 to legally consent.

Hansen: So you think the legal age of consent is 25?

AspieGuy69: Yeth. The brain doethn’t finith developing until age 25. Anything before that and it’th grooming and you’re a tockthick garbage human.

Hansen: Well, I have your chat logs. She tells you she’s 14.

AspieGuy69: That’th wild. Who are you?

Hansen: We’ll get to that in a minute. Tell me why a man like you thought it was OK to come down here to have sex with a 14-year-old girl.

AspieGuy69: I actually identify ath nonbinary…thooooo…you might not want to mithgender thomeone if you want to be a good perthon.

Hansen: Regardless of your gender identity, it’s still a fact that you’re 25 and the girl told you she’s only 14.

AspieGuy69: I actually wath thinking in termth of anime. You know how thometimeth anime characterth look 14 but they’re actually thousandth of yearth old? I thought we were jutht role playing and she wath juth talking about being an anime character who wath lying about her age.

Hansen (narration): Eventually, I tell AspieGuy69 who I am.

Hansen: So there’s something you need to know. I’m Chris Hansen, and we’re doing a story on men who go on Tinderrrr and ask underaged girlssss for sexxxxxxxxxxxx. If there’s anything else you’d like to say, now would be the time. Otherwise, you’re free to leave.

Hansen (narration): AspieGuy69 leaves the beach house, where the local police are there to detain him.

AspieGuy69: Am I going to a women’th prithon? I don’t identify ath a man.

Hansen (narration): Our next visitor is a man who goes by AutisticDude00. His conversations with Stacy take a graphic turn.

(Close on Smartphone)

Stacy: what are ur interests?

AusticDude00: tbh i just want a gf.

Stacy: could i be ur gf? 🙂

AutisticDude00: u can be my girlfriendo if u do le sex the way i want

Stacy: what are u into?

AutisticDude00: u ever do cock and ball torture? could you tie up my balls and whip them with a spatula?

Stacy: ummm…..sure, i guess?

AutisticDude00: oh, and can i bring chad with me? i want chad to have sex with you while you whip my balls.

Hansen (narration): Once again, our camera crew moves into position as AutisticDude and Chad arrive at the house, where our decoy greets them.

Stacy: Hey! I’ll be back in just a minute, I have to go put my laundry detergent away.

AutisticDude00: OK.

Chad: I get a bad feeling about this, bro.

Hansen (walking in): Why don’t you have a seat?

AutisticDude00: This is cringe, bro. Are you in the CIA?

Hansen: You think I’m in the CIAAAaaaa?

AutisticDude00: What government organization are you part of?

Hansen: We’ll get to that in a minute. I have your chat logs that I’d like to go over with you.

Hansen (narration): As I read the man’s chat logs, he gets increasingly agitated.

AutisticDude00: Are you here to force vaccinate me? I’m not getting the experimental gene therapy, dude.

Hansen: You do realize your conversation with Stacy is illegal, right?

AutisticDude00: I know it’s degenerate, but that’s what I’m into. I think it’s just evolutionary psychology to ensure that weak genes like mine aren’t passed on to future generations. This is so that humans evolve through women only selecting the alpha Chads to reproduce.

Hansen: Have you tried going outside and meeting women your own age?

AutisticDude00: The outdoors is a psyop created by the Jews.

Hansen (narration): Eventually, I grow tired of AutisticDude00’s bizarre comments, and I let him know who I am. He is handcuffed and taken to the local police department and booked.

Hansen (narration): Our next zoomer is a man who goes by MinecraftPlayer04. He has a strange conversation with our decoy.

MinecraftPlayer04: can i come over?

Stacy: sure! what do you want to do?

MinecraftPlayer04: le sex.

Stacy: anything in particular tho? 🙂

MinecraftPlayer04: i want to play on nintendo switch while you have le sex with chad.

Stacy: uhhh…is that even illegal?

MinecraftPlayer04: idk. hopefully not. just don’t tell anyone.

Hansen (narration): MinecraftPlayer04 and Chad arrive at the house, where they are greeted by Stacy.

Stacy: Hi MinecraftPlayer04! Hi Chad! Why don’t you guys help yourselves to some coffee in the kitchen?

Chad: I don’t know if I feel comfortable with this, bro. Stacy, are you sure you consent to this?

Stacy: Oh, I definitely consent! Come on in!

Chad: I just want to keep making sure that your consent is enthusiastic and ongoing.

Hansen: How about you consent to a conversation with me?

Hansen (narration): As I talked to MinecraftPlayer04, I became more concerned than I have ever been.

Hansen: I’m reading from your chat logs…”Do you do anal or oral with Chad?” “Do you like cucking subhuman, genetic trash?”

MinecraftPlayer04: Yeah, you shouldn’t kinkshame, bro.

Hansen: What were your intentions here tonight?

MinecraftPlayer04: Just to get cucked by Chad because I’m a subhuman and Stacy is superior to me.

Hansen: And what would your role be in this?

MinecraftPlayer04: Just playing Nintendo Switch while I watch and masturbate to my feelings of inferiority and submission to genetically superior Chads and Stacies.

Hansen: Oh, come on. What is wrong with you kids? The man is supposed to be dominant. Don’t you want to throw her down and have sex with her? Come on. Here, I’ll kick out the camera crew and you can have sex with her.

MinecraftPlayer04: This is so cringy. You’re sus.

Hansen: Here, Stacy, turn around.

*Stacy turns around*

Hansen: You see that? Look at that ass. This girl has a nice, tight ass, dude. Don’t you want to smack it?

MinecraftPlayer04: Toxic masculinity is cringe. I admit she has cakes, tho.

Hansen: You should want to smack her ass and plow her from behind.

MinecraftPlayer04: Not really, tbh. Having sex is mid. I’d let her pee on me, tho.

Hansen: Well, if you’re not going to bang her, I will.

Hansen (narration): After I get done having sex with Stacy, and MinecraftPlayer04 gets done playing Minecraft while he watches, he leaves the house. The police aren’t sure any crime was committed, so they let him return to his basement.

Hansen (narration): Our next zoomer goes by the name HighIQGamer.

(Close on Smartphone)

HighIQGamer: u play videogames?

Stacy: yeah, i love video games! i especially love having sex after playing video games! u wanna come over and do both? 🙂

HighIQGamer: lol imagine writing all that and thinking i’d read it. lol. touch grass.

(Cut to Catfishing neckbeard)

Catfishing neckbeard: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (throws phone at the wall)

Person I Agree With DESTROYS Person I Disagree With

This person with different political views from me got DESTROYED by this person I agree with on politics.

This person I disagree with presented an argument that I think is bad because it goes against my view, and the person I agree with DESTROYED them with an argument I like because it seems to support my view. I know that the person I agree with DESTROYED the person I disagreed with because I agree with the person who DESTROYED them.

Here’s my debate scorecard:

In the first exchange, the person I agree with won 10-0. Everything the person I agree with said is something I agree with. The person I disagree with said nothing but things I disagree with.

In the second exchange, it was more of the same. 10-0. The person I agree with DESTROYED them here.

In the third exchange, the person I agree with continued destroying them. 10-0.

In the fourth exchange, the person I agree with HUMILIATED the person I disagree with. 10-0

There is nothing the person I agree with said that I disagree with, and there is nothing the person I disagree with said that I agree with.

If my preferred politician gets elected, it will show that most Americans are sane, and the other side is a bunch of fringe lunatics who should be censored.

If my preferred politician is not elected, it will show that most Americans are idiots, and the system is broken, and we’re living in a dystopian society.

Do the people who disagree with me even hear themselves? Do they not see how badly they’re getting DESTROYED?

I guess they’re too stupid to realize how stupid they are.

A Vile Vial

Dr. Tso Ghey and his team of researchers at the Institute for Applied Homosexual Research at the University of California-Homosexual are testing an important hypothesis that Covid-19 was created in the basement of a Christian, redneck, alt-right 4chan user.

An associate of Ghey’s, Dr. Fuh Kin Pansi, calls Ghey over to take a look at the DNA sequence.

The sequence is as follows: CHINGCHONGCHINAMAN

Dr. Ghey and Dr. Pansi look at each other with stern expressions.

Dr. Pansi: What do you think this means? Does this mean China created it in a lab?

Dr. Ghey fidgets nervously.

Dr. Ghey: …No. No, that’s not it.

Dr. Pansi: Then what, sir?

Dr. Ghey: …It means…it means it was created by white nationalists to spread toxic ideology against Asian people. They are dog whistling in code. It is proof we must finally eradicate Covid through masks and social distancing, and hopefully a real lockdown, We must cancel Christmas this time. Eradicate Covid, eradicate racism.

Dr. Pansi: …but…

Dr. Ghey: We’re scientists, and we must follow the evidence wherever it leads. I know this isn’t easy for us to admit, but these kinds of people just aren’t like us.

Dr. Pansi: Sir, how would these kinds of people have the funding to create something like this? The average Southern conservative is below the poverty line.

Dr. Ghey: UT! Who’s the leader of this team of researchers? Remind me.

Dr. Pansi: I mean, it’s you, but this hasn’t even been peer-reviewed yet.

Dr. Ghey twirls his fingers.

Dr. Ghey: It will be. Don’t you worry about that. I have a team of peers ready to peer review it at any time. Consider it peer reviewed.

Dr. Pansi: But the intellect required to engineer something like this…don’t these people not believe in science?

Dr. Ghey: That’s what they want you to think! Don’t confuse their stupidity and ignorance and being R words for a learning disability. If they can figure out how to build a cabinet, they can figure out how to engineer a virus that east Asians are resistant to and whites are more susceptible to. It all makes perfect sense!

Dr. Pansi: Well, there’s a difference between the visual intelligence to create things like cabinets and other visual things and the kind of reasoning needed to do scientific things like this. Look at visual artists, for example. Would you expect a painter to build a computer?

Dr. Ghey: Don’t talk to me about art! I have a Bachelor of Science in Art from the California College of Arts and Sciences. It’s all the same thing. These people are vile monsters!

Dr. Pansi: ~sigh~ If you say so.

Dr. Ghey: Good. So it’s settled. And Dr. Pansi, I’d appreciate if you kept the specifics of the findings between us. What’s in that vial is absolutely vile, and we want to make sure that the medical journal abstract and media summaries of our findings match what we know to be true.

How We Got Here

How to subvert the United States:

Create social media websites that are convenient for quickly making numerous “throwaway” accounts. Make it so there’s no valid e-mail required, and signing up takes about 12 seconds.

Who do you think wears the pants? Or does the penetration?

Next, have your people take advantage of the ease of signup and make tons of usernames to espouse radical liberal views that exist among the fringe in the United States, and create momentum to make them mainstream liberal views. If you’re not fluent in English, don’t worry. Your dictator is probably rich enough to funnel money to certain Americans who are willing to post this shit for you.

In 2012, Comrade Macklemore makes “Same Love.” Perfect. Gay gay gay gay. Make America gay again.

Also in 2012, Anita Sarkeesian gets told to fuck off. Make America feminazi again.

In 2013, “white Hispanic” George Zimmerman is (rightfully) acquitted of murdering black “child” Trayvon Martin after the evidence clearly points to self-defense. Black Lives Matter time. Make America racially tense again.

In 2014, rich, famous Olympic legend Brucelyn Jenner comes out as mentally ill transsexual. Make America stunning and brave again.

Now a bunch of mentally ill, brainwashed, fed up citizens are making sane citizens fed up. Even non-citizens seem fed up.

Here comes an odd, homosexual Brit to save the United States.

And then here comes a reality TV billionaire to save it as well, despite the fact that he’s a New York City liberal who used to donate money to the Clintons.

Both of these saviors supposedly have positions that seem reasonable to reasonable people. Call illegal immigrants what they are. Close the borders. OK, maybe the wall idea is far-fetched, but at least it’s something different from what politicians usually say. And there’s too much political correctness in this country, they say. A standing ovation ensues when the second savior says this.

But the radical liberals are listening for “dog whistles.” They’re doing what they’ve been doing since 2012: Straw manning you to portray you as “ist” and ‘ic.” These supposed saviors become their enemies. They are now “Literally Hitler.”

And while this is going on, others who were too far away from the left to be pulled into the fringe by Reddit trolls and bots are sometimes pulled in a different direction.

They start to wonder…why should they hate Putin?

After all, Putin didn’t call them toxic, garbage humans. He didn’t say their masculinity is toxic. He didn’t say they’re racist. He didn’t say they’re misogynistic. He didn’t say they’re homophobic. He didn’t say they’re transphobic. He didn’t say they’re xenophobic. He didn’t tell them to check their privilege. He didn’t call them rapists. He didn’t get them fired from their jobs.

Putin doesn’t even believe in more than two genders. He almost seems…based?

And then they start to wonder…was Hitler so bad?

Didn’t Hitler warn against communist ideology? Didn’t Hitler warn against all these ideas we see espoused today, which he attributed to (((them)))? Didn’t he warn against (((them)))?

Even Hitler is starting to seem pretty based to some people. If the British homosexual and the reality TV blowhard are “literally Hitler,” might as well side with literally Hitler.

Hey, remember those websites with really easy signup? What if we create another set of trolls and bots to continue certain people on a path towards guys like that? What could be further from the radical left than the radical right?

Meanwhile, some people resist both sides. Those people were closest to the center. The gravity hasn’t managed to pull them in either direction. But you know what’s as far away from the left as it is from the right?

Who would do such a thing to the United States?

That’s why you’re suckin’ off the gay guy, G

You had your ideology subverted by the KGB

Peer Review

Peer review is now up for peer review. The peers reviewed peer review and gave it a negative review. So what are peer reviewers to do? The peer review showed that peer review doesn’t work for reviewing peer review, so is peer reviewing something we should do if it doesn’t show what’s true?

Ǝpiphany

Yo, what’s goin’ on? Dis Cassidy here. Today, I’m gonna talk about Eminem. You know, da white boi rapper who really ain’t all dat complex.

See, y’all niggas think he bein’ complex, but his shit is actually really simple. He ain’t got da complex linguistic abilities of us niggas, nawmean?

For real, he ain’t intelligent like us, niggas. He ain’t gonna lyrically fight us, niggas. He ain’t gonna use his pen to out-write us, niggas. All he can do is out-white us, niggas.

^An example of me being a dope, complex lyricist with rill lahrical abilities.

Anyway, lemme give y’all some examples of Eminem bein’ all simple.

For instance, in “My Fault,” he says, “I don’t even have any kids and I can’t cook/Sue, I’m over here. You’re talking to the plant, look.” Dat’s just a two-syllable piece up.

Or in “Brain Damage,” he says, “My first day in junior high/This kid said, “it’s you and I“/3-o’clock sharp, this afternoon, ya die.” Dat’s just a three-syllable piece up.

Or in “Forgot About Dre,” he says, “I’m harder than me tryin’a park a Dodge/When I’m drunk as fuck/Right next to a humongous truck/In a two car garage.” Dat’s just a three-syllable piece up in an A-B-B-A pattern.

Or in “Role Model,” he says, “I’ll strangle you to death, then I’ll choke you again/And break your fuckin’ legs ’til your bones poke through your skin.” “I get too blunted off of funny home grown/Cuz when I smoke out, I hit the trees harder than Sonny Bono.” Dat’s just a four-syllable piece up.

Or in “Rock Bottom,” he says, “Cuz it’s cool to be the player, but it sucks to be the fan/When all you need is bucks to be the man/Plus a luxury sedan.” Dat’s just a five-syllable piece up.

Or in “Renegade,” he says, “To shatter the picture in which of that as they paint me as/A monger of hate, Satan, a scatterbrained atheist/But that ain’t the case, see it’s/A matter of taste, we as/A people decide if Shady’s as bad as they say he is.” Dat’s just a six-syllable piece up.

Or in “Drug Ballad,” he says, “We used to mix ‘hen with Bacardi dark/And when it kicks in you can hardly talk…and you’ll be sick then and you’ll probably barf.” Dat’s just a seven-syllable piece up.

Or in “Amityville,” he says, “Shrink penciled me in for my last visit/Drink gin ’till my chin’s full of splash whiskers.” Dat’s just a 10-syllable piece up.

Or in “Fuckin’ Backstabber,” he says, “Cuz every time you chuckled when you was stretchin’ the truth/There’s gonna be one more flying knuckle you’re gonna catch in the tooth.” Dat’s just an 11-syllable piece up.

Or in “Hello,” he says, “He’s no longer getting them free—hundred bucks for these Percodans/Plus, it’s getting to be where he’ll lustfully search the den/Pain is hitting his knee and his muscles be hurtin’ him.” Dat’s just a 12-syllable piece up.

Or in “Stay Wide Awake,” he says, “He’s tapin’ me, he’s bitin’ me, he’s laughing like it’s funny/She’s scrapin’ me, she’s fightin’ me, she’s scratchin’ like some dumb freak.” Dat’s just a 15-syllable piece up.

Or in “Sing For the Moment,” he says, “From standin’ on corners and porches just rappin/To havin’ a fortune no more kissin’ ass, but then.” Dat’s just an 11-syllable piece up composed of inverse 5-syllable piece ups.

Anyway, yeah. Y’all can see how simple dat shit is. Anyway, I got a lotta work to do. I just decided I’m scrappin’ my new album. Goin’ back to the lab, you know? Not sure when the next one’s comin’ out. Might be a while, you know?

Aight. Piece up and piece out.

Woman Discovered Who Does Not Claim To Have Been Abused Or Sexually Assaulted

While the search continues for the existence of a man who has never sexually assaulted legendary writer/cheerleader/athlete/Apprentice fan/victim E. Jean Carroll, investigators believe they have finally found a woman who has never been sexually assaulted or “abused” by a man.

25-year-old Ann White of Lotsee, Oklahoma, has come forward with allegations that no man has ever sexually assaulted or abused her.

“I don’t know. I guess I just don’t really keep up with this stuff. We have really slow internet out here, since we’re a town of only 6 people,” said White, “What’s #MeToo, exactly?”

While many remain skeptical, investigators are reminding people to remain patient and trust in due process.

“It’s important to remember that the non-victim is only 25 years old,” said Detective Mike Soyfag, “There’s still plenty of time for her to date narcissistic abusers who give off so many red flags. And when this happens, I’m confident she will discover that she is a victim. That will prove that she is, in fact, so irresistible to men that they can’t help but sexually assault and abuse her. You’d better believe that she’s every bit as hot as the bitch who was rude to her the other day. #HerToo.”

As part of the non-victim rehabilitation program, White has been provided with free resources to assist her in acquiring pamphlets written by feminist organizations. More importantly, a Gofundme has been created to establish a private Reddit server in Lotsee to improve connection speed to Reddit.com.

“It is important that Ms. White be reeducated on the fundamentals of rape culture and toxic masculinity,” said Lena Sluttom, President of Men Are Scum Incorporated.

A New Hire-Archy

It turns out Captain Power Balance is more like the rest of us than we realize.

You see, he has a boss, too.

Boss: Seth, close the door behind you.

Captain Power Balance always feels emasculated when his boss calls him by his real name, but what can he do? His paycheck is contingent upon his feigning respect for him. He shuts the door behind him.

Captain Power Balance: What is it?

Boss: Performance evaluation. I’ve been going over your productivity reports this week, and…Yikerinos, Captain! I mean, you’re doing a pretty good job overall, but you really need to improve your morality detection accuracy. So I decided to upgrade your equipment.

Captain Power Balance: What do you mean? I have all the most advanced equipment for measuring morality. I have the Power-Balance-O-Meter, all of the toxicity gauges, and the training from the world’s leading scientists on how to derive morality through presupposed science and logic. What else is there?

*Captain Power Balance’s boss presses a button on his desk and in walks a plain-looking woman.*

Boss: Seth, I’d like you to meet your new assistant, Jane. Well, maybe “assistant” is the wrong word to use. This is your new equal partner, Jane.

Jane: Hi, Seth.

Boss: Jane here is a woman.

Captain Power Balance: OK. Sooooo…what are your superpowers?

Jane: *Laughs* I don’t have any.

Captain Power Balance: Sir, I don’t understand. If she doesn’t have any superpowers, why is she my partner?

Boss: Didn’t you hear what I said? She’s a woman.

Captain Power Balance: I’m confused.

Boss: Remember what we talked about? Women are the arbiters of morality. They reject incels for being garbage human beings and only sleep with men with great personalities.

Captain Power Balance: Oh, I do remember! You’re right. Thorry.

Boss: Anyway, from now on, when it comes to determining the morality of each scenario you encounter, you will defer to Jane. She has a 100% accuracy rate when it comes to this sort of stuff.

Captain Power Balance and Jane leave the boss’s office and hit the streets. It is not long before they encounter a situation where the morality of an action is questionable.

A man is flirting with a woman at a bar. Not only that, but he appears to be using racial slurs and other harmful language.

This looks like a job for…Captain Power Balance.

Captain Power Balance: I can’t even. Imagine being a grown ass man and thinking it’s acceptable to not only make a vulgar comment about a woman’s legs, but also make a racially insensitive “joke.” What’s your employer’s phone number? If you don’t tell me, I’ll find it. You need to learn that it’s unacceptable behavior when-

Jane: Actually, ummm…I don’t find this guy creepy at all. I mean, I don’t think he was doing anything rapey here.

Captain Power Balance: What are you talking about? My Power-Balance-O-Meter is buzzing so hard it’s about to fly on its own. What do you mean there’s…oh, I’m sorry. What’s gotten into me? Please forgive me. Errr, rather. Can you forgive me? I understand I’m a toxic male and need to check my privilege.

Jane: It’s just that, I don’t know. He doesn’t look very creepy. You know, I actually do have a tool that I use to detect the morality of actions. I’m not just relying on my women’s intuition.

Captain Power Balance: Oh yeah? What tool do you use, ma’am?

Jane: My vagina. When my vagina starts tingling, I know that I’m in the presence of a good man. But when my vagina is not tingling and the guy just gives me the heebie-jeebies, that’s when I know to trust my women’s instinct and shame the man for being a creep.

Captain Power Balance: Ah, I see. *Turns back towards the man at the bar*. Well, I apologize, sir. Continue doing what you were doing.

A few minutes after Captain Power Balance and Jane leave, the man slips a roofie into the woman’s drink and rapes her. A perfectly moral rape, to be sure.

Captain Power Balance spends the rest of his day deferring to Jane’s vagina.

They encounter more immoral situations than usual with Jane on the team, and they reprimand garbage human after garbage human.

A skinny guy in glasses looks at a woman for more than 2 seconds. Jane determines that he had literally raped her with his eyes.

Another guy with a face full of acne makes a woman visibly uncomfortable when he sits next to her on the subway. Jane gives this woman the tools to deal with this abuse of power.

Jane: Just scream, “EWWWWWW!,” and move to another seat.

But luckily, no innocent men are falsely accused of abusing their power.

Captain Power Balance witnesses a muscular man appear to grab a woman’s butt at Target, but Jane assures him that she wanted it.

Another man with a chiseled jawline punches a woman in the face, but Jane notices that it is clearly BDSM foreplay, and restrains a livid Captain Power Balance.

And so Captain Power Balance and Jane have a pretty good thing going over the next few weeks. Captain Power Balance has all the power, of course, but Jane has the vagina and authority on morality.

But one day, Captain Power Balance’s boss calls him into his office again and tells him to shut the door.

Boss: Seth, please have a seat. Look…there’s no easy way for me to say this. Our company is in the process of reorganizing and restructuring, and this means we need to identify possible redundancies in our labor force. You have been such a valuable member of our organization, and it has truly been a pleasure working with you. However, it is with great sadness that I have to let you go. I hope you understand.

Captain Power Balance sits up in his chair. He’s livid.

Captain Power Balance: Is this because I came out as bisexual?! I’ll have you know that it’s 2023, and if you still have that attitude-

Boss: No, it has nothing to do with that. It’s just that Jane has done all of the work for you the past few weeks, and she has done it perfectly. Simply put, we no longer need your services. It’s nothing personal. I can’t believe you would even accuse me of such a thing as firing you for your different sexual preference. How problematic do you think I am?!

Just then, Jane and a couple of HR professionals walk into the boss’s office.

Jane: Very problematic. You asked me out on a date yesterday. Remember?!

Boss: Uh…errr…no, I was just-

Jane: You know the rules. Any boss who asks an employee out on a date is literally a rapist, so long as he doesn’t make her vagina tingle. You’re fired and you’re canceled!

Boss: What?! You can’t! Captain Power Balance! Capt- help me! You have to do something!

Captain Power Balance does do something. He pulls down his pants and tells his boss to kiss his superhero ass. If he wants a job, that is.

Captain Power Balance’s boss does as he is told, and begins bringing Captain Power Balance his pumpkin spice latte the next day.

Captain Power Balance: And remember, kids: The same asses you step on on the way up are the asses you have to kiss on the way down.

Uncucked

Destiny: And we’ve dethided that it’th betht for uth that we have an…open marriage. Monogamy ith a fallaciouth argument. It’th juth not logical to tell a woman, I mean…a woman or a man…I mean, or whatever gender they identify ath…who they’re allowed to thleep with. Tho what it meanth ith…it meanth we’re both open to thleeping with other people, and it’th conthenthual, and it’th good for…both of uth. Right?

Melina: Yeah, I know it may seem strange to you Americans, but what you have to understand is that your left is literally Nazis to those of us from Sweden. It’s OK. Part of being progressive is understanding that not everybody is as enlightened as you. But what we now know is that monogamy is just another tool of the patriarchy. Why should a husband or boyfriend have any say in what a woman does with her body? Men who expect their wives or girlfriends not to be with another person sexually are possessive, controlling, and narcissistic.

Destiny: Ath I thaid, it’th good for me, too. Everyone focutheth on her being able to thleep with other men, and everyone keepth calling me a “cuck,” but they neglect to menthion that thith altho meanth I get to thleep with other women! Tho not only do I get to have theckth with thith hot chick from Thweden…thorry, I mean, woman, I know chick ith dehumanithing…not only do I get to have theckth with thith hot woman from Thweden, but I altho get to have theckth with ath many hot women ath I want! And I altho get to be counter-counter culture, becauth the new counter-culture ith thaying that open relationshipth are degenerate. Tho in reality, thinth thith ith all about oppothith, which ith altho what all irony ith about, thith ith very uncucked.

The next day, Melina checks her Tinder matches.

Destiny also checks his Tinder matches.

Melina: Have a date tonight, honeeeeeeey. Wish me luck!

Destiny: Oh. Uh…have a nithe time.

8 weeks later, Destiny finally gets his first Tinder match.

His match texts him.

Destiny responds to the text.

Destiny (thinking): Yiketh, I’m going to need to wear lifts when we meet.

Destiny: Oh, well. Not a big deal. Melina will be home and I’ll jutht have theckth with her. She’s tho hot. Who careth if other dudeth cum in her?

At 4:08 AM, Melina finally returns from her hookup.

Destiny: Hey. You know what I wath thinking? Wouldn’t it be really hot if I fucked you while Anthony’th cum was thtill freth?

Melina:…Uh….sorry, I’m just really tired.

Destiny: You thure? You thure you don’t want more cum in you, you dirty little whore?

Melina: Ex-CUSE me?

Destiny: You don’t like when I talk dirty to you?

Melina: By “talk dirty,” you mean sexually objectify me and shame me for how much I enjoy sex?

Destiny: Huh? It’th jutht roleplay. You know that. I’m sure you do it all the time with the guys you hook up with, so why not with me? And if you enjoy theckth tho much, why don’t you want to have it with me right now?

Melina: Usch! (That’s “yikes” in Swedish). Are you for real? You sound like a literal rapist right now. This is wild.

Destiny: I’m a rapith becauth I’m athking you to give me a logical anther?

Melina: Wow, much straw person. You know, it sounds to me like you’re just getting your little fee fees hurt because you’re not the only man in a woman’s life. Classic fragile masculinity.

Destiny: It’th not that I’m not the only man in your life. It’th that I’m the only man not in your life. You and I haven’t had theckth with each other thinth we thtarted theeing other people. Wait, correction. Since you started seeing other people. Talk about a power imbalance! You’re a literal model and you want to have an open relationship with a manlet like me? Men have enough trouble getting any matches on Tinder as it is!

Melina: Found the incel! I should have known. You’ve changed. Look at the toxic people you’re hanging out with on your streams. Literal Alt-Right Nazis like Nick Fuentes.

Destiny: Don’t you dare talk about Nick Fuentes. Nick was more polite to me than you’ve ever been, even though he knows I’m Jewish. Nick thinks everything I believe is cucked and degenerate, yet he still treats me with more respect than you do. You know what? If you’re not going to suck my dick, you can just leave.

Melina: …what’s happening? What happened to your lisp?

Destiny: There’s the door, you stupid, semen-sucking, Swedish slut.

A few weeks later, Melina files for divorce.

A few weeks after that, Destiny joins forces with Nick Fuentes to create a new podcast: Uncuck America First.

Maybe there’s hope after all.

I Know You Are

We need to have a serious talk about powerful groups that are subverting our culture.

I’m talking about QAnon.

QAnon is a conspiracy theorist group that secretly conspires to brainwash the unwashed masses’ unwashed brain masses.

Donald Trump, Steve Bannon, and the Russians are all part of this conspiracy theory conspiracy.

All of the non-Jews at Fox News are also in on it.

Have you ever taken a look at the Fox News board of directors? It’s full of gentiles. This is not a coincidence. This is just what people like )))Rupert Murdoch((( do.

QAnon and the Alt-right want to send us back to Nazism. They want to censor the censors and cancel the cancelers.

Ann Coulter, Ben Shapiro, Larry Elder, Dave Rubin…they’re all in on it.

And now they’re paying grifters like Bill Maher and Jimmy Dore.

They want to take our hormone pills and our abortion clinics. They want to turn everybody into a married heterosexual with a house and a yard. They’re putting testosterone in the water and turning the fish straight.

We need to have a talk with our children before it’s too late. We can not let QAnon degenerates rob them of their innocence or their preferred pronouns.