Resume

Here at The White Man’s Gambit, we sometimes correspond with Human Resources professionals for various organizations. One of our HR contacts was particularly impressed with a recent applicant’s LinkedIn profile, and we thought we would share it with you.

name: josephenie green-black

about:

goal-oriented gender-fluid (“ze” pronoun) pansexual who is a team player and a self-starter. detail-oriented and work with clientele to ensure maximum cultural diversity and ethnic acceptance in oppressive patriarchal regime. stands against hate and bigotry.

note: as a member of a dominant class (white) who does not have the lived experience of a person of color, I think it is only right that people of color go to the front of the queue in this job application process.

skills:

*increased nazi punching productivity rate for antifa 85.8% over last 14 quarters.
*called out toxic behavior 10 consecutive quarters and received anti-fascist of the month award 7 times.
*victim of domestic violence and sexual assault.
*see a therapist every week.
*voted for hillary clinton in 2016 presidential election. imagine thinking winning the electoral college should make you president. “bUt ThEn CaNdIDaTeS wOuLdN’t ViSiT sTaTeS wItH lOwEr PoPuLaTiOnS.”

work experience:

starbucks: barista (2012-present).

-utilized dynamic coffee inventory to service customers. designed, implemented, conducted, and managed coffee-heating applications to facilitate, maintain, manage, apply, and successfully achieve development. utilized buzzwords to achieve employment, and utilized “utilized” to utilize extra syllables to change the word, “used,” into something more useful for utilizing the pseudo-intellectual and faux-professional facade utilized by phony putzes.

victim advocate: 2008-present.

-engaged in defending the freedoms of those who are too weak to defend themselves.

college education:

university of rutgers (2008-2012): b.a. gender studies.
-studied how v privileged toxic white males rly oppress marginalized groups.

stop 👏 judging 👏 my 👏 liberal 👏 arts 👏 degree 👏

references

katie michaels-johnson (cis “she” pronoun)
sarah jackson-davis (trans “she” pronoun)
todd anderson-sanders (agender)
christina henderson-rogers (trans “he” pronoun)

That Guy With the Obnoxious, Unfunny Videos

Despite his anti-SJW positions, I was never able to fully get on board with T.J. Kirk (the Youtuber, “The Amazing Atheist”), and I finally had an epiphany for why that was when he revealed that he’s a fan of “The Nostalgia Critic”/Doug Walker.

He was doing the same, lame screaming at the camera that that unfunny twit somehow made a living doing.

Doug Walker is the epitome of a lowbrow comedian. “I’M YELLING MY OPINIONS REALLY LOUDLY AT THE CAMERA AND THAT MAKES IT HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!…Guys, I’m playing a character. WHEN I YELL MY ACTUAL OPINIONS AND WEAR A “CRITIC” OUTFIT, I AM PLAYING A CHARACTER!!!!!!!!”

Doug Walker is a wannabe film critic who doesn’t know what a “character” is, and a wannabe comedian who doesn’t know how to be funny to anyone with an IQ above room temperature.

He also has the most obnoxious slogan in the history of our species: “I remember it so you don’t have to.”

I want to remember him getting his Adam’s apple sliced so nobody has to hear him remembering.

Doug Walker may have been the one who invented what has been referred to by some cool Australian anti-feminists as, “the feminist fear grin.” It’s an indication that you are looking at a heterosexual man who is somehow more effeminate than any woman.

Keep booing, little girl. I will hit a man with glasses.

When it came to being an obnoxious eunuch, Walker was ahead of his time. He deserved to be mutilated in 2007 – a time when most of the eunuchs of today were still running around the playground with their testicles in tact. My desire to beat him to death has held up, aged well, and stood the test of time.

“I remember it so you don’t have to.”

I don’t know about you, but the past – especially everything before the turn of the century – is just about the only thing I want to remember. I want to forget the present and will probably want to forget the future.

Just about every single thing in history that came before The Nostalgia Critic was better than The Nostalgia Critic.

The worst movie ever made was better than The Nostalgia Critic.

I’ve never seen any of Ed Wood’s films, but I’m pretty sure he was closer to being an artist than Doug Walker.

One of Walker’s favorite adjectives is, “bland.” This is a favorite of wannabe critics everywhere because it’s a synonym for, “boring.”

But calling something “boring” doesn’t carry any weight because it’s the most obviously subjective term in existence.

So the wannabe critic obfuscates this by replacing the term with, “bland.” This is his way of getting morons to think his opinion is an objective description of the content. It’s his way of saying, “hey, if you enjoy eating thin air, you’re entitled to it. But those of us who are cultured enough to realize that shouting at the top of our lungs and accusing various people of being on drugs is highbrow comedy have more refined tastes.”

In reality, the “blandest” movie ever made was less “bland” than the Nostalgia Critic.

The Nostalgia Critic’s content is the “blandest” content ever, but he thinks it’s spicy because he yells it.

He’s like a chef who serves you a plate of white rice and plain toast and then dumps an entire container of salt all over it. “There. Now it’s not bland like what those shitty chefs down the street make. I ate it so you don’t have to.”

Frequently, what is “bland” to lowbrows like Walker is “nuanced” to people who actually like to pay close attention to what they watch.

Doug Walker is what would happen if you took Sam Hyde, gave him a lobotomy, and cut his balls off.

This punching bag-faced dork leeched off people’s nostalgia with his clickbait “character” name, and he leeched off the average moron’s low standard for humor. He pulled in the same types of idiots who made guys like Dane Cook famous…the same types of idiots who keep Comedy Central “comedians” you’ve never heard of from applying for food stamps.

Nobody who doesn’t deserve to die will ever have any nostalgia for The Nostalgia Critic.

Person I Don’t Like: Something That Sounds Dumb That Isn’t What This Person Actually Said

This person I don’t like said something that I don’t like. I don’t like it because it goes against my simplistic opinion. Here’s my interpretation of what they meant by what they said. This interpretation will be what I think they really mean, and my interpretation will emanate from my own subconscious beliefs about the truth. I project my subconscious beliefs onto others.

“This was the person’s real quote.” This person is saying something stupid and offensive, and it makes them a given label for any person who says something I find offensive towards a group I subconsciously believe to be weak and inferior.

The person whose quote I am deliberately misrepresenting is literally this.

How can this person be so ignorant and such a bad person that he believes this? Yikes, I can’t even.

The problem with people like this is they’re toxic, and their toxic views are toxic. Their views are harmful and dangerous. Their mindsets are toxic and harmful and dangerous. These toxic people are privileged, and they don’t recognize their privilege. They don’t want to recognize their privilege because they don’t want to give up their privilege.

I have heard arguments featuring data that disproves the privilege I say they have, and that data is cherry-picked pseudoscience, and anyone who peddles it is a conspiracy theorist. Here are some anecdotes that disprove the overall point of the data. They come from highly publicized incidents. As you know, highly publicized incidents are extremely common. When the media covers an event, this means that type of event must be extremely common.

Also, here’s my own limited data that I will misrepresent to try to reinstate something that was clearly debunked:

Flawed Data Chart:

As you can see here, the debunked claim I make is reaffirmed.

It’s time we do something about the fact that there are still people who disagree with me. As long as there are people who disagree with me, we will never progress as a society.

Act Your Age

These self-conscious, misguided lemmings have adopted a paradigm of socially constructed “age roles.” Unlike “gender roles,” these are largely actually social constructs.

A white, male, aspiring actor goes to a Hollywood audition. There’s a pink-haired, female casting director sitting on a panel with other purple-haired industry professionals. A black diversity hire is filming the audition with a camera.

Aspiring Actor: Hello. I’d like to audition for the role of “Grown Ass Man.”

Casting Director: ok. well, let’s see what u got

Aspiring Actor: FUCK!!!!!! I’M ANGRY AND STRESSED!!!!!! I HATE MY 9 TO 5 JOB!!!!!!!!! I’M SO SICK OF PROVIDING FOR MY FAMILY AND GETTING NO CREDIT FOR IT!!!!!!!

Casting Director: whoa, whoa, hold it right there, fam. do u know what role ur auditioning for?

Aspiring Actor: “Grown Ass Man”?

Casting Director: so then why are u acting like a petulant manchild and throwing a tantrum??????? u mad? we don’t hire salty manbabies with Fragile Egos here. sorry not sorry.

Purple Haired Panellist: You 👏 Need 👏 To 👏 Lose 👏 The 👏 Male 👏Entitlement 👏 🙂 oh, and cool it with the aggression. showing vestiges of ur socially conditioned toxic masculinity, i see. now, how about u try again, and this time without normalizing the nuclear family???

Aspiring Actor: Wow, that was a bit harsh, don’t you think? Do you insult all of your auditionees?

Casting Director: awwww 😦 *turns to fellow panellists* u see that, y’all? he’s literally crying. his fragile male ego can’t take even the slightest bit of criticism without him lashing out like a toddler who just had its toys taken away. men are such children.

Purple Haired Panellist: hahahaha. “ThAt WaS a BiT hArSh, DoN’t YoU tHiNk?” he literally looks like he’s about to cry. i fucking bathe in male tears i swear to god y’all. look. we’re not here to sit and listen to u whine all day. thats unpaid emotional labor and energy.

Casting Director: imagine being a fully grown adult man and crying when someone criticizes ur Bad Acting

Aspiring Actor: Okay. I give up. I don’t know how to adult. What do I do?

Casting Director: hmph, well, at least ur using “adult” as a verb. thats a start. if u want to become a grown ass man, take all ur gross clothes off and close ur eyes

(Aspiring Actor removes his clothes and closes his eyes. Casting Director gets up, walks over to him and cuts his balls off and puts them in a jar.)

Aspiring Actor: (high-pitched girly scream) Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! you juth thnipped my ballth off with thithors. it hurth thoooooo much.

Casting Director: hahahaha. get on ur knees

(Aspiring Actor gets on his knees)

Casting Director: ok. now apologize for ur bad acting.

Aspiring Actor: im thorry for my trath acting and being a thitty human. ath a white male, i recognithe my inherent privilege and i tholemnly thwear to grow ath a perthon and Do Better.

Casting Director: …ok, that was pretty good acting (writes a positive comment on her clipboard)

Purple Haired Panellist: ya i cant lie y’all that was pretty lit. i really liked his self awareness. emotional intelligence >>>>

Aspiring Actor: i wath wondering if u could pleathe cut my dick off as well???? i won’t be needing it anymore.

Casting Director: …holy shit, that’s some good adulting (writes another positive comment on her clipboard) maybe i was wrong about this guy. shaniqua? do u mind showing the eunuch footage of his performance?

(The black girl walks up to him.)

Black girl: yo, if u want me to spend mental and emotional energy pressing “play,” u need to pay some reparations, nigga

(Aspiring Actor kisses the black girl’s shoes)

Aspiring Actor: black liveth matter. prayerth to george floyd and ahmaud arbery *gives her 3000 dollars*

Black girl: yea. thats a good white bitch. aight (Black girl presses play. Aspiring Actor watches the footage back.)

Aspiring Actor: wow. the thtart of my audition wath literally the cringieth thing i’ve ever theen. i wath acting like thuch a petulant manchild. i had thuch a fragile ego. “Do YoU iNsUlT aLl Of YoUr AuDiTiOnEeS?” imagine being a fully grown adult and crying when someone criticizes ur Bad Acting. like, i cant even… wow. i wath exploiting ur emotional labor. im tho thorry

(The room is silent for ten seconds and then it erupts into applause. The panellists give him a standing ovation, but with feminist jazz hands, since clapping is triggering.)

Casting Director: that was the most woke and progressive audition ive ever seen in my entire career…. wow.

Purple Haired Panellist: yeah that was rly incredible. u’ve got the part *hands him the script for the “Grown Ass Man” role* now, once u’ve memorized all ur lines, i want u to go out there and tell every other manbaby who isn’t adulting that they’re a pathetic, whiny, garbage human who needs to Do Better.

Aspiring Actor: yeth ma’am.

Purple Haired Panellist: good. bye Vaush!

When One Is All

If you don’t believe in equality, you’re a bad person, and that makes me better than you. As every animal knows, some animals are more equal than others.

If you want to be equal with me, you must be the same as me. I don’t mean that 1 + 1 equals 2. I mean 1 equals 1.

Who gets to be 1? Me. I’m number one. I’m always looking out for number one.

“Equality” means that everyone is treated the same. But in order for everyone to be treated the same, everyone must first actually be the same.

After all, you wouldn’t hand the car keys over to a 5-year-old, would you? He’s short and dumb.

Nor would you hand the nuclear launch codes over to someone with an IQ of 85.

So how do we fix this inequality? How do we make everyone exactly the same?

First, we must identify areas where people aren’t the same.

And then we must find a way to make everyone the same in those areas.

From now on, IQ scores are not a legitimate measure of intelligence. From now on, everyone is equally intelligent, as long as they agree with me.

Let’s also discuss groups. We need group equality.

But in order for all groups to be equal, all individuals must be equal as well. Because if any individuals differ from any others, groups can be socially constructed based on those differences. And those groups won’t be equal because they’re constructed around those differences.

Luckily, we can buy ourselves a little time to solve the group inequality problem, which is rooted in the individual inequality problem. Because as it turns out, all of these groups being social constructs means they’re not real.

There are no blacks or whites. There are no men or women.

Well, we know that. But we can’t escape the fact that others will still socially construct those groups, and those groups will have differences, and therefore be unequal. And I can’t be the same as everyone else if that’s the case.

So it’s the fault of those who are superior to me. I call them, “society.”

I’m sick of all these privileged sports teams winning all the time. It’s not fair. All teams should be equal. From now on, every game should end in a draw, and every team should get a trophy. What good is winning if there have to be losers?

And do you know what we need the most in order to have equality? Diversity. True diversity.

True diversity is when all of the socially constructed human groups come together and come together, and these drug-fueled orgies result in nothing but tan-colored children.

Think of it like making a human smoothie. That’s diversity.

True diversity will be reached when all humans look, think, and act exactly the same way. It is then that there will no longer be humans, but human. There will be just one: Me.

Isn’t equality great?

The Origin Story of the SJW

In 1964 and 1965, young baby boomer activists were participating in The Free Speech Movement at The University of California, Berkeley. These young college students were sticking it to their parents and being very cool and progressive. In the ‘70s, another wave of boomer college students still thought free speech was cool. Then they entered the workforce and got some kids of their own.

But they didn’t stop talking about free speech, you see. They prattled on and on about it in television shows, movies, songs and articles, to the point that they bored their kids with it. They told their children that they were special, that they should reach for the stars and that they could do anything they set their mind to, man. “Billy, you can be president of the United States if you put your mind to it! If you want to be an astronaut or basketball player, there is nothing stopping you!”

So the millennials born between 1983 and 1996, who grew up on the internet and were raised by these former hippies, eventually entered adulthood too. Did they become the NBA players, astronauts and presidents that they were told they would be? No. A lot of them graduated with worthless degrees and became underpaid and overworked baristas and waiters. Some of them became office servants, working for baby boomer CEOs that didn’t give a shit about their dreams. As the darkness and misery of capitalism became more and more apparent, the millennial generation began to realize they’d been sold a lie by their parents. Fed up with owning no property of their own and paying rent to boomer landlords who weren’t weighed down by thousands of dollars of student debt, the resentful millennial serfs took to the internet they grew up on and vented their frustrations. “You know what? Fuck our parents and fuck everything they stand for.”

The millennials went on to invent Facebook and Reddit. They started rolling their eyes at their parents’ Jurassic values of free speech and individualism. Free speech was “dated” and “problematic,” they said. Only squares still thought it was based. On the same Berkeley campus that the free speech movement was chanting “Free speech!” on, the anti-free speech movement was chanting, “Hate speech is not free speech,” and smashing it up. The young activists created memes that mocked their parents’ sacred values. “But, but, muh free speech!” “Muh freeze peach!” “Free speech is a disease,” said Reddit. #The #youth #had #finally #figured #out #how #to #piss #their #parents #off (#OkBoomer)

And thus the modern-day SJW was born. Every villain has a backstory.

The social justice generation, like every generation, is a counter-cultural rebellion against its parents’ generation. Every generation always thinks they’re cooler and more righteous than their parents, no matter what.

But now the millennials are having children of their own. Kids who are currently trying to figure out how to piss their parents off.

I can’t wait.

Why Would You Want To Anyway?

A lot of skeptics are wondering just how long everyone should be wearing masks and isolating themselves, considering there may never be a vaccine for Covid-19.

The Answer: For the next 100 years. Or maybe forever.

What’s the problem here, you selfish assholes?

I just don’t understand why anyone would ever want to do anything besides sit inside and rot. What’s so great about going outside and doing stuff?

These selfish assholes just want to go to a shitty restaurant and eat some shitty food, then walk through a shitty park and look at some shitty nature, and maybe go to a shitty movie or watch a shitty sports game or go to a shitty concert, and talk to some shitty people and maybe have some shitty sex and have some shitty kids and start a shitty family and buy a shitty house and a shitty car and get a shitty job and have some shitty achievements and travel to some shitty cities to view some shitty landmarks.

Why would you want to eat at a restaurant when you can just boil some pasta you ordered off Amazon and eat it with some canned vegetables (not meat…why would you want to eat some shitty meat and contribute to the torture and murder of animals)? Why would you want to walk through a park when you can just walk around your back yard? Why would you want to talk to shitty people in person when it’s much better to stay inside and talk to them on the internet, or via your phone? Why would you want to go to a sports game when you can just play a video game version of it, which is much better? Why would you want to go to a concert when you can just listen to the song on iTunes? Why would you want to have sex when you can just masturbate to porn from the comfort of your home? Why would you want to have kids or start a family when there’s nothing to do in life but stay inside and play video games and masturbate to porn?

Stop Being Viraphobic

Nowhere is the problem of problematic whiteness more prevalent than in the human body…and I’m not talking about thoughts existing in one’s brain.

No, the clearest example of toxic whiteness is the rampant xenophobia inside the human blood stream and lymphatic system. White blood cells are the worst bigots on this earth.

Ever since Covid-19 immigrated from Wuhan, China, the world has been filled with tragedy. Trillions and trillions of innocent virions have been kicked out of bodies by viraphobic, white blood cells, whose hatred and fear of different particles are rooted in ignorance.

And they’re not merely deported from the body…these unwelcome guests are murdered by these oppressive, white cells. It’s systemic organism-ism.

The organism-ism is so systemic that straight, white, male scientists literally de-organicize them, insisting that they aren’t even organisms/life forms. Hello…Nazis, anyone?

Vicious Homicide In Progress By White Blood Cells Who Don’t Think Virus Lives Matter

What is also especially toxic and problematic here is the fact that these white blood cells are holding the actions of a few Covid-19 virions against all Covid-19 virions. 95+% of all Covid-19 virions never kill anyone. It is completely unfair that Covid-19s have to answer for the actions of a few.

White blood cells need to acknowledge that they are privileged members of the human body, and get down on their membranes and lick the glycoproteins of those they have oppressed for all of human history.

“Conspiracy Theory” Does Not Mean, “Wrong”

A favorite tactic of leftists is to call arguments they don’t like, “conspiracy theories.”

A “conspiracy,” for those who don’t know (which is many people these days), is when two or more people work together to do something immoral.

A “theory,” for those who don’t know (which is most people), is when what was formerly a hypothesis has a lot of evidence to support it.

Evolution is a theory. Einstein’s Theory of Relativity is a theory.

So what is a “conspiracy theory?” A conspiracy theory is when there is a lot of strong evidence that people conspired.

The Holocaust is a conspiracy theory. It is based on evidence that Hitler and other Germans conspired to exterminate the Jews. The 9/11 terrorist attacks being carried out by Bin Laden and others is a conspiracy theory. Bin Laden is said to have conspired with other members of Al-Qaeda to carry out the hijackings.

When leftists call something a “conspiracy theory,” what they want to say is that a claim is far-fetched because it’s difficult for them to believe. And they wish to imply that there is no evidence to support it, therefore, it must be false.

But instead of saying that there is no evidence to support your claim, they call it a “conspiracy theory,” because they know that you have presented evidence to support it, and they don’t know how to argue against it.

Sometimes people who make what leftists term “conspiracy theories” are making up their evidence, and sometimes they’re not. But the point here is that the leftist doesn’t know what’s true and what isn’t. The leftist is poorly informed on the subject, yet wants to toe the party line. He knows the gist of what other social justice pussies are saying about this issue, and he knows that he agrees with them on everything because he feels like he’s part of their “team.”

The information you are presenting to this leftist is inconvenient for him. He doesn’t want anything to get in the way of his circle jerking with his fellow nu males. So his only recourse is to assume that the information you provided is false, and comes from unbalanced thinking.

And isn’t that rich? Someone who is a member of a cult that emanates from mental instability is calling you the crazy one. He’s about to go to the r/bipolar, r/bpd, r/ptsd, r/suicidewatch, and r/raisedbynarcissists subreddits, but he wants to wear the white coat with you and your claims that are so absurd he “doesn’t even know where to start,” except to use alternating caps while repeating what you said (actually, most likely something you didn’t say, aka “straw man”), and labeling you/it “crazy” and a “conspiracy theory.”

These verb-to-adjective and noun-to-verb despisey people are so hurl

Not only are they hurl, they’re also very sigh. They’re also yawn. I’ve never seen such yawney people before. They’re so yawney that I nearly fall asleep when I see them to the point where I literally coma.

Apparently, nothing in life “holds up” or “ages” well” except for memes. And apparently few memes “hold up” better than linguistic abominations from losers on Reddit. Much of this sort of shit has been in heavy internet use for about 10 years now.

Eminem made a reference to something from 3 months ago and it was so cringey, but your snarky faux-vocabulary from 2010 is edg–no, wait. I have to pick the right compliment here so as not to be cringe. It’s…unironically amazing.

If you ask me, their memes are very groany, but to smartphone dorks, they are eternally praisey. At least they’re not “edgy”…which has been redefined to mean, “shock value,” rather than, “avant-garde.” Just like “angst” was redefined by dipshits to mean, “angry and emo like a teenager,” instead of, “anxiety.”

It’s all very rage. I can’t even internet anymore without it being literally 2013 every time I see a comment. And if you dictionary these words, you’ll soon discover why dictionaries are worthless. If something is commonly used, they have to include a reference to it. And what’s more common than people who are complete morons?

I won’t say this makes me want to engage in violence towards these dipshits.

What I will say is these dipshits are very punchy.