Predators

*Close-up of fat neckbeard from perverted-justice notifying people of predator’s arrival*

Hansen Narration: Our next guest is a man named Anthony Travian Jackson, a 24-year-old man who lives at 25 Dolores Street in Camden, New Jersey. He goes by the screen name, RillN***a88, and will surely be fired from his job at Sonic after this airs. His social security number is 989-56-2482.

He tells our decoy he wants to perform oral sex on her, and agrees to bring condoms.

*Cut to computer chat graphics with transcript*

RillN***a88: dayum, you look good.

Decoy: thanx!

RillN***a88: bet I can make u squirt.

Decoy: id love to try it!

*Cut to decoy*

Hansen Narration: Now meet Kimberly, our sexy, 25-year-old decoy who, despite having tits and ass, can pass for a 14-year-old girl, which is the type of girl no normal man would ever find sexually attractive.

*Cut to Anthony standing outside the door*

Decoy: Hi! Come on in! How are you?

Anthony: Good.

Decoy: I just have to replace a leaky toilet valve. I’ll be right back!

Anthony: Yo, can I have one of dese cookies?

Decoy (giggles): Sure!

Hansen: But unfortunately for Anthonyyyy, that will be the only thing he puts in his mouth tonight.

*Enter Chris Hansen*

Hansen: Enjoying your snack?

Anthony (chewing): …Sup?

Hansen: Well, I have some questions for you.

Anthony: K…

Hansen: What are you doing here?

Anthony: Chillin. Just chillin.

Hansen: And who did you come to meet?

Anthony: Kimberly.

Hansen: And how old is Kimberly?

Anthony: She said she was 14, but she thicc in her photos, you know what I’m sayin?

Hansen: And so you thought it was OK to come down hereerrre…and visiiiiiit…a 14-year-old girrrlllll…for what reason?

Anthony: What can I say, nigga? I like dem tits and dat ass.

*Cut to Hansen in front of monitors*

Hansen: Now heeeeerrrrreee’s a guyyyyyyy who thought it was OK to come out to see a 14-year-old girrrrrrl for seeeeeeex. Never mind that it’s a crime to even think about a minor being sexually attractive in the current year.

*Return to Hansen in kitchen*

Hansen (reading from chat transcript): “Do you like oral? I’ll eat dat blank until you blank all over, then let you blank me and blank.”

Anthony: Just horny, dawg.

Hansen: But why 14? There’s gotta be leather-skinned single mother Karens your own age?

Anthony: Nigga, she ain’t no virgin. She fine as hayell, dawg. Can I aks you somethin’?

Hansen: Sure, go ahead.

Anthony: What…like…what harm is I doin’ to her if she say she wants it? Like, how you niggas know it’ll harm her?

Hansen: Well, in order to answer that question, I think it’s time to bring in my assistant, Captain Power Balance.

*Captain Power Balance knocks on the front door, and Hansen lets him in*

Hansen: Why didn’t you just crash through the ceiling like we talked about? That would have made for a way more dramatic entrance for the cameras. This is television.

Captain Power Balance: Thorry, I just thought crashing through the ceiling would be a display of toxic, masculine aggression.

Hansen: Anyway, would you please explain to Anthony the harm sex with a minor causes?

Captain Power Balance. Certainly. It’s science. Those of us who believe in science – in empiricism and reason – know that you derive morality through sense data. You take that “is” and turn it into a totally objective, “ought.” Using the Harm-O-Meter, we can calculate the amount of harm for any action a human takes in this non-theistic universe.

As you can see here, I have the data for the amount of harm various actions cause. Yelling at a child only causes 1.8 harm units, so it’s justifiable in certain circumstances. However, having sex with a minor causes 988943984398439834 harm units. It is literally the worst thing in the world. Not surprising, because the Power Balance-O-Meter demonstrates that, YIKES, the power between an adult and anyone who is under 18, which is literally a child, is undeniable. It’s thientific fact.

Now, even if you don’t act on your sick desire to have sex with a minor, the level of toxicity in the thoughts alone of anyone who even fantasizes about such a thing is literal poison. With the Metaphoric Toxicity Gauge, we can show that the Metaphoric Median Lethal Dose (MMLD) for these thoughts is 0.000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001. One infinity-th of a percent. If it exists in your mind, it is literal poison, and you should be castrated, gang raped by virtuous prisoners, and fed to carnivorous animals.

Anthony: Dang.

Hansen: I don’t know what I would do without you, Captain Power Balance.

Captain Power Balance: Not all heroes wear capeth.

Hansen: So as you can see, Anthony, I’m a better person than you because I didn’t get caught trying to have sex with a 25-year-old woman whose pictures were being used in a catfish by a 40-year-old neckbeard who told you she’s underaged. So it’s time I tell you who I am. I’m Chris Hansen, and I’m with Dateline NBC. And we’re doing a storyyyy. On grown ass men…who go onliiiiine….to try to meet…hot 18+ year old chicks they are told are under 18 by lying neckbeards….for sex. Nowwww. Do you understaaaaand. Whyyyyy. You’re a naughty little boyyyyy. And neeeeeed…a spanking?